Warrior Mons Gone Wild
by three times over
Summary: Roughly the premise of the first Warrior Cats book except now featuring everyone's favourite Pokemon. (I remember like four things about this series at most.) M for 4 chapters of crass jokes about sex, drugs & rock n' roll.
1. THE LOSS OF INNOCENCE

Anyone who actually came here from the Warriors comm should probably go.

~2013-2016 (age 18-22); I didn't realise this had been in the pipeline for so long help

/-/-

* * *

 **CHAPTER ONE: THE LOSS OF INNOCENCE**

/-

Deep within the suburban landscape, in one house out of the rows and rows of houses that lined the winding streets, stretching all the way into the distance til they were infinitesimal specks on the horizon... lived an Eevee. Eevee was a house Eevee. He lived in a house.

Eevee was a fairly nondescript creature as far as domesticated beasts were concerned; he would wander the neighbourhood every now and again, breaching a radius of three or even four houses, before slinking back home where his owner would give him food and inconsensual tummy rubs. The days passed slowly with these creature comforts, and Eevee, purring with happiness, would fall asleep warm in the light at the windowsill, or burrowed deep in his owner's bed. Yet far too often Eevee would feel a painful tug at his heart, every time he turned to go back home: he wanted to explore! He wanted to be _free!_

He attempted to broach the conversation with his closest friend and neighbour, Fox the Fennekin.

"See, what I'm saying is... you just get the feelin' there's _more_ to life, don't ya?" Eevee finished, eyes shimmering.

"Not really," Fennekin shrugged.

"Aw, come on! There's just... a whole world out there, man. Mystery! Intrigue! _Mystrigue!_ " Eevee bounded over to the end of his fence, the property cordoned off before a wilderness of thick shrubbery. "Like, we've got this forest, right? We've lived next to a forest this whole time and we've never once been inside! Imagine a life of just you and the land. Being One With Nature! It's what we're _made_ for!"

"You can speak for yourself, I've been in there," Fox yawned. "It's not great. Dirt and plants, couple of bugs."

"Aw, what? Well look, you're doing it wrong," Eevee insisted. He came back to his friend and leaned in worriedly. "Say, I remember just a few weeks ago you were jumping to bark at the postman with me. That Fox wouldn't have been so... _lethargic!_ Have you been alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Fennekin shrugged again, curling up in the grass on his side of the railing. "Unless you mean since the neutering, in which case I'm doing about as well as anyone."

"Since... the _neutering?_ " Eevee now pressed up against the fence with a rattle, paws grasping the metal bars. "When was this? _What_ was this?"

"You don't know what a neutering is? It's basically," Fox said, and then rolled onto his back to show him.

Eevee felt his world grind to a halt as his eyes locked onto the scarred tissue.

"Who... would _do this?_ " he barely croaked out, his stomach starting to churn menacingly.

"Well, everyone's started to have it done to them," Fennekin began, inspecting his claw, "so maybe your owner'll take you in a couple weeks -"

 _"NO!"_ Eevee felt himself yell, everything around him ringing cacophonously in his ears, and the sickening churn consuming his entire being. "THEY CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! _MY BALLS ARE TOO PRECIOUS!"_ And as his owner's singing began to float out from the kitchen, Eevee let out a blood-curdling cry, and twisted away to the darkness of the forest.

He didn't think as he desperately squeezed his way under the fencing, or even hear his friend say "okay dude, see you". He didn't consider if this was the right thing to do, or even the smartest direction to go. His mind was simply a swath of white noise, as he popped out the fence into the undergrowth, and ran... and ran... until his head cleared up enough to let him slow to a stop and hyperventilate repeatedly.

He got his breathing steady, then took in the towering thicket around him.

"Well, shit," he said.

He thought he'd try following his pawprints back, but his lightweight step had left no trace on the ground. He also considered becoming One With Nature and letting the spirits guide him, but after a short bout of looking as constipated as possible, he decided that wasn't working.

There was nothing to it, then, but to turn back the other way and hope for the best.

The sun beat down harshly from above the trees. Eevee felt his body and soul weakening as he trekked for minutes, nay, _tens_ of minutes. Finally, parched and trembling, he collapsed on the forest floor.

As conscious thought threatened to leave him, he heared a distant voice say, "Rise, little one."

Eevee, jolted back to awakeness with that rustic voice, summoned the last of his energy to tiredly pull himself up. Standing in front of him was a tall, slender, pitch-black canine, adorned with glowing rings like stars in the night. His thin, tapered ears twitched sagely, as did he swoosh his same-shaped tail. Most of all, his eyes were a deep, lush crimson, staring into him like pools of freshly-murdered blood.

Eevee decided he was in love.

"Who... _are_ you?" he managed, throat dry.

"I am... _Shadowkill,_ " Shadowkill said, and in that moment the planets aligned themselves, and birds sung in holy requiem from the treetops. "But that is not important. You are still an Eevee; what tribe do you hail from?"

"Uh," Eevee started, and then said, "Henderson, I guess."

The stranger's eyes flashed. "A _citygoer,_ " he suddenly spat, and Eevee felt like hastily assuring him otherwise and getting the hell out of there. "No matter. We will take you in as one of our own."

"Who will?" Eevee blurted in confusion as the Umbreon suddenly moved onwards. The small canine stumbled over himself to keep pace with his interlocutor.

"Why, my tribe," Shadowkill simply replied, not looking back once. "The most feared tribe of them all. The _Dark Tribe._ "

/-


	2. THE SLIPPERY SLOPE

**CHAPTER TWO: THE SLIPPERY SLOPE**

/-

Eevee was ready to fall flat when he and Shadowkill came into view of the tribal camp.

"This is our territory," Shadowkill began, which Eevee had safely guessed already. "Here we operate on the strictest of regimes. No Umbreon stands alone. Our strength comes from unison."

"That's great, I guess," Eevee ventured, and then said, "Wait, Umbreon? _Plural?_ Does that mean that -"

"Indeed," Shadowkill replied, and he let out a piercing howl that swept the entire grounds with silence. "Members of the Dark Tribe! We have an unmarked cub with us today. He will be inducted into the clan as one of us!"

From crudely constructed stick huts, from inside tree trunks and thick tussock, Umbreon began to emerge. They closed in on Eevee and his guide, forming a circle around the two. "One of us!" they chanted again and again, each boring straight into him with eyes as blood-red as Shadowkill's himself.

"Not gonna lie," Eevee said, "this is kinda creepy."

"You will begin by introducing yourself," Shadowkill commanded, his voice invoking another silence. "Who you are and how you got here will determine your new name."

"What? Are you doing this right now?!" Eevee spluttered.

"Efficiency is the core of a functioning society," came the reply, and Shadowkill's severe stare did not encourage Eevee to ask more questions. He coughed politely and tried to rack his brain for info.

"Yeah, hi, I'm Eevee... or well, I guess I won't be in a bit... I dunno what there is to say about myself, really. I like lounging around... long walks on the beach... I used to live with my owner -" Eevee started to sweat as disapproving murmurs broke out amongst the crowd - "until today, I guess, because I don't want to be neutered."

 _"Neutered?"_ Shadowkill stroked his chin fur in bewilderment, and Eevee felt better that he wasn't the only one out of the loop, even if the other was a freaky dude living in the forest. "Explain to us this _neutering._ "

"Oh, geez, do I have to? Um, it's kind of like - well, it's more like -" and Eevee gave up and resorted to whispering in Shadowkill's ear.

 _"WHAT?!"_ Shadowkill yelled, leaping back. "Disgusting! Horrendous! No wonder you fled your home, little one. Fear no more, for we will shield you from these vile human practices." He turned now to the circle of onlookers. "This Eevee's new name has been decided! He will be rid of this old, oppressed identity, and begin anew! I name you... MELONFUCKER!"

"MELONFUCKER! MELONFUCKER!" the Umbreons chanted.

"Wait - WHAT?!" Eevee screeched. "Where the hell did this come from? Why is _this_ my name?!"

"We celebrate the salvation of your genitals, Melonfucker," Shadowkill said. "With this moniker, you will always know that your reproductive ability was not taken away from you."

"Well, just what is the bit about the melons?!"

"The melon is a sacred icon in our culture. Her hard shell signifies the strength of the moon, and all the power we draw from it."

"Oh what the hell, I give up," Eevee groaned. "Melonfucker it is." The crowd of Umbreon chanted his name upon its mention.

"Now that the most important part of the ritual is complete," Shadowkill continued, "the clan decides as one which rite to undertake next. Dark Tribe! Lend me your thoughts."

"As a city dweller, he should experience the thrill of the hunt," a young Umbreon mewed somewhere in the crowd.

"No, he is not prepared! He should be introduced with the Royal River Bath," another mewed in response.

"I say he receives the Tribal Laurel of Leaves and Various Debris," a third Umbreon mewed.

"I am quite partial to the annual Climbing of Trees, myself," Shadowkill mewed.

A nasally voice mewed softly, "How about the Soul-Shredding Nightmare Orgy -"

 _"Jesus Christ, all of you!"_ Eevee snapped. "Can you just stop with the fucking mewing?" He shrunk back as everyone stared at him at once.

"Very well, then," Shadowkill announced in the silence. "We shall start... with the Hookah Blowing!"

"Okay, are we talking hookers, with an _e_ , or hookahs with an _a_?" Eevee asked, as the entire group started to move in a single direction. "Because I'm pretty partial to the former," he continued, trotting after them. "I mean, if it doesn't involve soul-shredding nightmares, I'm cool. And exactly who's the recipient of this blowing - not that I'm the sort to take without giving, of course, I'm just not very experienced -" Eevee stopped as a large bong was handed to him. "Oh."

"The druids are preparing the Holy Ganja as we speak," Shadowkill explained. "You will be the first to Have The Smoke, as we all join you in the Communal Toking."

"Oh my god, how many terms do you have for this?" Eevee winced, then jumped as he was given more strange utensils. "Look, I'm honoured you'd fold me into your military regime, but I'm not so sure about this tradition in particular."

"Your fears will be alleviated upon becoming One With Nature," Shadowkill assured him.

"Oh, naturally, I'm not denying your wisdom, it's just the first step's always the hardest and all that. Wait, 'One With Nature'? I was so proud when I came up with that," Eevee moaned. "Oh no, don't arrange yourselves into a circle. You're really doing this."

"The Ganja is ready, comrade," one elderly Umbreon cried, dutifully stirring a giant cauldron. Eevee started to stutter as the hot mixture was brought over.

"Okay, really, you don't understand, we shouldn't quite be rushing into this just yet - _I have to see my owner,_ " Eevee finally yelped, and this was enough to halt all proceedings and earn Shadowkill's steely eye.

"What?" he growled slowly, chilling Eevee to the bone.

"Please, just one last time," Eevee pleaded. "I couldn't explain it to you guys. Just... let me say goodbye."

The Umbreon began to glance at each other, hesitating. Shadowkill was the first to speak again. "It is true; we would not understand," he muttered. "Very well! You will return to your city overnight. We will resume your initiation tomorrow!"

"Thank you," Eevee weakly croaked, as the crowd of Umbreon dispersed disappointedly. "I'm sorry, but if I could ask you... to take me back..."

"Follow me," the Umbreon answered, any emotion indiscernable, and that just made Eevee feel worse. The two left the camp and trekked through the forest for about two minutes. "Around the corner," Shadowkill said, and indeed, he could see the fence and roof of his own home.

"Okay, how is it I walked for like three times as long and got nowhere? Whatever. Well... Thank you, Shadowkill," Eevee finished, bowing deeply to his guide. "I won't let you down." The canine simply nodded, and Eevee bounded away from him, squeezing under the fence once more.

/-

Eevee's owner was busy cooking some soup when the young canine popped through the cat door into the kitchen.

"Eevee!" the human cried, sweeping up his pet and scratching its head fondly. "I haven't seen you all day. Where the heck have you been?"

"Oh, you know, nothing much, just chillin'. I mean, _eevee,_ " said Eevee.

"You haven't been doing anything naughty now, have you?" the boy laughed, and Eevee froze in his owner's arms.

 _Oh my god, I nearly did it,_ Eevee thought. _I nearly HAD THE GANJA!_ Just the possibility made the little fox shudder. _Who knows what would've happened if I'd stayed any longer?_

"What's wrong, little guy?" Eevee's owner asked, ruffling his fur comfortingly. "Aww, it's ok, you're home now. Have some soup! It's probably edible."

As Eevee lapped at the liquid he likely couldn't digest, he knew he'd been lucky to make his escape, and that he could never go back.

/-

That night, Eevee couldn't sleep, as the rest of the household loomed with silence.

 _What if my owner finds out,_ the critter thought, laid in his own pet-bed, eyes wide and staring into darkness. _What if he finds traces on my fur, or if there's something funny about my walk, or if he asks something and I give it away -_ The Eevee felt fatigue creeping into his entire being, but his mind refused to do the same, trapping him in tortured consciousness.

 _He'll think I've been Doing The Drugs. I'm not a bad Eevee. I'm really not._

The ticking of the clock echoed through the house, all throughout the night.

/-


	3. THE SOUL'S AWAKENING

**CHAPTER 3: THE SOUL'S AWAKENING**

/-

It was a very tired and reluctant Eevee who stood at the gap beneath his fence the next day. He felt like he'd barely closed his eyes for a second, that night, before sunlight was streaming across his face yet again. The stress and fatigue weighed him down like anchors.

He was scared, in a way, of simply embracing domestic life and denying the previous day ever happened - even if the thought of assimilation into a mindless dictatorship was scarier than that. He owed it to them, really, to face up to the consequences of his decision. They hadn't meant any harm, in the end, they were just a little different from what he was used to - and he couldn't shake off the pervasive fear that somehow they'd _find_ him, if he didn't explain himself in person. It was wholly illogical, but all threads led to a single conclusion. He wasn't a pup anymore. It was time to be responsible for once.

 _This is your duty; your duty as an Eevee,_ he thought, before plunging back into the forest darkness.

It was another twenty minutes before he had to concede that he was lost again. "I swear to everything above I was going the same way I came back by," he grumbled, paws softly padding against the dirt. "That river was definitely not there the last time I came round," he groaned.

He sat at the trickling water dejectedly, letting its slow bubbling fill the air. The forest chirped and creaked all around. From behind him, he felt the growing pulse of a mysterious warmth.

"Woah, little Eevee, what are you doing out here on your own?" a voice queried, and Eevee spun around to find a firey canine in his sights. His mane looked fluffy like candy floss, billowing round in a spherical swirl. When those navy eyes blinked slowly at him, Eevee was struck by the luscious amber of the fur around them - so silky, and soft, like Maybelline. He looked cuddly. _So cuddly._ Eevee felt the onset of cold sweats whilst he resisted inappropriate nuzzling.

"H-hello, I'm doing nothing really, just hanging out -" Eevee plastered on a sweaty grin as his body started to vibrate - "me and my friend here, the ol' river, you know how it is -"

"My goodness, you are as _wound up_ as a fern before bloom!" the Flareon laughed, shifting closer. His tail came into view behind him, floating back and forth, slowly - and by _god,_ that _tail._ Eevee felt he had encountered the holy grail of candy floss. He wanted to do such things to that sweet tail, he couldn't believe. "Forget that river! He only chit-chats on Wednesdays." How Flareon had gotten so close to him, Eevee didn't know. One foreleg arched around his shoulder and then he was pulled into soft sugary bliss. Eevee felt he would pass out from sensory overload. " _You,_ my friend, need to come back with _us,_ " Flareon said, through his embrace. "It's gonna be _so good,_ like oh my gosh. You will not regret it."

"Wait, go where," Eevee managed through the shutting-down of his higher functions, "what exactly am I getting into with a complete stranger -"

"TO THE FIRE TRIBE!" the Flareon yodelled, and Eevee was dragged into the distance with fairly little struggle.

/-

Eevee was taken aback to see dozens of Flareon scattered along the lakeside, lounging in the hot sun.

"Is this your Fire Tribe?" he asked his guide warily, who let out a stream of pearly laughter.

"Well, of course!" came the reply, endearingly unassuming. "Isn't it the best?"

"I mean, sure," Eevee conceded. "I've just had some experiences which led me to think it'd be slightly different."

"The past is the past! The future is now," Flareon countered easily, in which Eevee had no idea what that meant. "You just follow me and you'll forget any troubles you had."

Eevee followed him through metres of Flareon settlement - so _friendly,_ he couldn't help but notice, so _nice_ \- to a small circle of flame-tinged canines he couldn't tell apart. A soft warmth seemed to envelope him wherever he walked.

"This here," the Flareon began, "is Flamefur, Firebutt, Flickersnout, Fhosphorous and Fabujoints." The Flareons idly waved to him in order.

"What about you?" Eevee asked.

"Oh! I'm Shaun."

"Hey whas'up lil man," Firebutt (or possibly Fabujoints) drawled. "You here to join us, are you?"

"He sure is," Shaun chirped before Eevee could say anything. "Let's get straight into it! I haven't had my fix for hours."

"What fix of what," Eevee started, as the group parted to reveal several bongular devices. "Oh no. Oh no no no. I can't get trapped by this again, man."

"Hey, what trap?" Shaun frowned, bringing Eevee into another fluffy clutch. Eevee felt the giddiness sink into him again. "Look, lil' Eevee," he said, staring at him with those beautiful navy eyes, "I don't want to do anything that hurts or upsets you. I just want you to be as happy as you can possibly be. And the way we do that is by being One With Nature. So, like, if you really don't want to, you don't have to, but we'd love for you to try it with us, right? Just once?"

Eevee gulped. He had to admit that these guys, these Doers Of Drugs, were a lot different from what he'd envisioned. They were nice. So nice. Especially Shaun. And well, what harm would it do to just take... a little...

The next moments were all a blur, but he recalled being sat down, smoke choking up his respiration - and then his system seemed to slow into nothing.

Before him, the cosmos unfurled its holy wings.

He was One With Nature.

"I fucking love nature," Eevee moaned, staring open-mouthed into the distance.

"So do I bro," Shaun moaned next to him.

"I love this, bro," Eevee said. "I love you guys. I - I love -" and he turned to this Flareon, with the gorgeous mane and godlike tail and splendid, _splendid_ eyes - "I love you."

Shaun clutched Eevee's face with both paws. In his irises Eevee glimpsed the universe. "Bro. I love you too."

The flagellating of tongues together was not unlike the beautiful mating dance of leopard slugs, as stoned Flareons whooped in the background.

/-


	4. THE FINAL CHOICE

**CHAPTER 4: THE FINAL CHOICE**

/-

"Now, all you do," the voice murmured in his ear, "is stretch your body a lil' forward and arch... like... _so._ "

"I'm feeling it, Shaun," Eevee exhaled. "I really think I can get into it."

"And in the heat of the moment, don't forget, your most important asset is your mouth. You remember, right?" Eevee nodded absently as the Flareon traced one paw along his jawline. "You wrap your mouth right where the vein is, and sink your fangs into it. You rip the flesh apart until it's hanging by a single bright-red tendon. Blood everywhere. Everybody's screaming, probably. It's got to look like a fucking massacre."

"Thanks, Shaun, that's really useful!" Eevee said. "Now I feel like I know how to hunt."

"You sure do, lil' buddy," Shaun beamed. "I'm telling you, just do as I've said and the rest will roll like a buffalo. It's in our _blood,_ dude! You've had it in you all along."

Eevee smiled back at his mentor, and felt the fuzzy warmth spread through his body. Shaun was so confident in him; Shaun was so _proud_ of him. He was going to make sure Shaun had _reason_ to be proud, today.

Eevee shook out his limbs and assumed The Stance. The foilage around him seemed to shift into new definition; his whiskers twitched with every bird's cry, with every leaf's rustle. Behind him, he felt Shaun watching on in silence. He inhaled and exhaled with the forest; and suddenly, a movement -

Eevee launched himself into the bushes, claws out, and he could only widen his eyes as a dark canine came into his view.

"Shadowdark -" Eevee barely had time to splutter, before he collided with the Umbreon, the two of them tumbling violently across the forest floor.

The Umbreon lay under Eevee's paws, staring back in shock. "Melonfucker?"

"Don't," Eevee said.

"Why did you not return, these last few moons? Could you not find us? We are barely four Rayquazas' lengths from where we left you. Did you not _want_ us?"

"No, no, oh, christ, Shadowdark, it's not like that. Hey man, you're cool and all, but - you're only four lengths out? The hell is this sorcery?"

"Come back with me, Melonfucker. The Dark Tribe wants you inside it. It is high time we wrapped up its claim on you."

"Oh," Eevee said. "About that."

"Eevee, are you okay?!" Shaun yelped, crashing through the leaves where Eevee had fallen. "Shit, an Umbreon - look man, we're so sorry -"

Shadowdark's eyes widened, and he kicked Eevee off his torso. _"Who is this Eeveelution you're with?"_ he cried, as Eevee stammered with explanations. "How does he know your given name? Your _false name?!_ "

"Dude it's not, a false name, or even a particularly unique name," Eevee said. "Um, Shadowdark, this is Shaun. Shaun, Shadowdark."

 _"Flareon,"_ Shadowdark muttered. "You'll leave the Eevee alone and cause no trouble."

"Lay off, bro," Shaun returned with a growl. Eevee jumped to hear unfamiliar hostility in his voice, and mayhaps... possessiveness? "Eevee here's my ward. He's being taught hunting right now, because he's a house Eevee. Sorry to have caused so much trouble. We'll be on our way."

"Being taught hunting," Shadowdark echoed slowly. One paw took a shaky step backwards. "You're... you're having your first hunt."

"I mean," Eevee said, "sure, I guess that's a thing that's happening -"

" _How could you?!_ Have your first hunt with some - _other_ Eeveelution?!" the Umbreon screamed, fur bristling. "I had prepared everything! You were supposed to have your first hunt with _me!_ " He halted. "What about - what about the ganja?"

"I may have had a little ganja."

 _"NO!"_ Shadowdark sobbed, collapsing where he stood. "This Flareon, he - he took _everything_ from you!"

" _Excuse_ me?" Shaun spat. "Mr. Shadowdark. I am not some opportunistic _heathen_ who would just - _use_ unwitting cubs. When I gave Eevee the ganja... when I offered to take him on the hunt... I did all of it... because I _love_ him."

"You _brute,_ " Shadowdark snarled back. "You don't know a thing about love. Because it is in fact... _I_ WHO LOVE HIM!"

"Jesus christ," Eevee said. "Okay, Shaun, hold up, _no,_ no Embers today, bro. Shadowdark. Look at me. Shadowdark." The Umbreon finally glanced up with narrowed eyes. "Hey man, look... I get that you wanted to make my first ganja special. I get that my first hunt was important to you. But I'm perfectly happy to do another hunt or smoke, one on one, just you and me. It won't be my _first_ first, but it'll be the first time the two of us do it, _together_. And isn't that what it's about?"

Peaceful birdsong reigned through the forest.

"I am aroused," Shadowdark said.

"Me too," Eevee said. "Shaun?"

"Same," Shaun said.

"Let's _all_ go on the hunt," Eevee said. "And by the hunt, I mean have sex."

And as the three foxes set off to find a suitably obscured location, so dawned a new era in diplomacy and inter-clan humping... of warrior Pokemon... _gone wild._

...

..

.

"Eevee?" a young human called out, somewhere in Henderson. "Eevee, where are you?"

/-

* * *

 _Back in black_  
 _I hit the sack_  
 _I've been too long I'm glad to be back_  
 _Yes I'm, let loose_  
 _From the noose_  
 _That's kept me hanging about_

 _Well I'm back..._  
 _Back..._  
 _Well I'm back in black,_  
 _Yes I'm back in blaaaack!_

/-/-


End file.
